I'm learning. I'm learning that life is a conglomerate of speeds and forces. I'm learning that the laws of attraction don't often apply to me and the things that I want to work out in my life don't always work out as simply. I'm learning that my development is not determined solely by what I dream my life to be but by the direct strength of forces applied to my life and the speed in which my cycle of happenings choose to move at.
I was always a person that found leisure in introspection and to be completely honest, I've lost that. I've lost the instrument in my mind responsible for working on self. I'm out of touch. I can't remember the last time I've recorded my thoughts or wrote to myself. Going through traumatic experiences have always had this poeticness about it. In the moment, you're suffering. Yet still, your sadness becomes a comfort and you begin to think in ways you never thought you would. It some how creates this new feeling attached to the emotional side of life. Most people rush to get to the numb part of it. The part that takes away all feeling, all concern or care. But me, I find that there's a simple beauty in endings. When you finally get to the place where you feel your heart and your mind entering a state that can accept it.
Acceptance. It's a lovely yet overlooked phenomenon. When we accept that something has ended, it releases these feelings of burden, anxiety, fear and we can just.. be. We learn to accept things for what they are and move on. And that to me is the greatest part of an ending.
Acceptance and acceleration. Life doesn't slow down because you've encountered a hurdle or an obstacle. Time simply cannot afford to wait on you nor do you have the luxury of choosing the pace in which the cycle of your life moves at. You just have to KEEP.. UP. My life by no means has been easy. It's been fun, enjoyable, meaningful, inspiring, spiritual but by no means.. easy. I've encountered pain from many angles. But does that change the simple construct that pain is an ever existing entity that will continue to come and go from my life? It doesn't. It simply means that in each moment, pain takes on a new form and I continuously have to keep exploring different avenues to rid it but most importantly, learn that pain has a certain value that no other independent force can provide. While it may consume you, it teaches us the important things in life. Things in which we would have never knew without knowing that pain. So does it suck? Absolutely. Do I despise it? No. I appreciate pain in a way that I could never appreciate any other thing. The complexities of it sort of excites me. Knowing that the very thing that both physically and psychologically ruined me for a moment in time can teach me so much about life, truly inspires me.
I'm not saying to romanticise the hurt or make a poem out of it but I think there's an importance in learning to appreciate what pain brings about and I hope that someday I can teach my children the same.
- A temporarily hurt girl