In Memory of the Girl Who Inspires Me

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I am 29 years old. Before now, I typically didn't like saying my age out loud because in this silly way, it reminded me of all I thought I would have accomplished by now. Business-owner, world-shaker, mountain-mover, wife-extraordinaire, super-mom, etc. etc., but that mentality died when 2017 taught me one of the biggest lessons I should have already learned

Life doesn't always go as planned.

You see, if things went as I’d planned, my mom would be with me today. We would have done the “Old Year’s Night” church service thing and return home to the best soup hands could make. My mom was supposed to be here with me on this the last day of the year. That’s how I pictured my life you know. Growing older with my parents, watching them spoil their grandkids, taking them on adventures around the globe, and living this awesome, authentic life. My mom was supposed to be here with me but as life would have it, she’s not. I’m ending 2017 without the presence of the first girl I really knew.

The girl who dreamed dreams and watched them come true. The one who was forever positive and always believed. She wasn’t a complainer. She mapped out steps for her life and mine and if per adventurer things didn’t work out the way she wanted them to, she prayed and kept that positivity alive.

In many ways, I wish I was like my mom. She had the spirit of a girl. She always saw things and people for who they were and she saw most things with new eyes. She genuinely loved and selflessly put other first her entire life; especially me.

Words cannot describe how awful 2017 was to me. From hearing my mother’s diagnosis, to spending each day after that fighting this brain tumor with all I had, to praying like I never have before and trying to remain positive for her in the face of this trail.  2017 was hard. It was a disaster. The night she died, I thought I died with her.

Watching her take her last breath, I truly saw no point of pushing through life. And all these fancy dreams and hopes of mine that I was so excited about suddenly paled and I thought, “What is the point of all my dreams if she isn’t here to see me accomplish them?”

I selfishly don’t want 2017 to end. I feel attached to this year because it’s the year my mom went to rest. I’m scared to lose 2017 because it feels like I’m holding on to a part of her.

I won’t share a series of lessons learnt with you this year like I typically do, but I can tell you this just like I said last year. “Cherish what/who matters: Tomorrow isn’t promised.”

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I must let go of 2017, I know that. Fight through my hurt and live an authentic life full of adventure - fight to be like my mama. That fight will mean I must not let go of my dreams. To be like her, I need to be a dreamer, a believer and remain positive. I need to live with the spirit of the girl – just as my loving mom did.

So I'm ending 2017 with memories of my mom that I vow to keep the alive by thriving, dreaming, believing and truly living, for there is not a day that will pass by for the rest of my life that I will not be inspired by her.  I am not sure yet what that will entail but I know Girls with Roots will be a big part of that.

We are now on the cusp of a new year. 2018 beckons me to make plans, and dream dreams. That’s exciting. So just like my mama, I'll keep dreaming, believing, praying and remaining positive So that when I begin sailing through 2018, I can rest comfortably in what lies ahead, remembering that although things may not go exactly as I’ve planned this year, because my future is in the hands of God, I can face whatever happens.

“I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” – Jeremiah 29:11, MSG. 

My mama wouldn’t have wanted me to end 2017 any other way.

Happy New Year Y’all

 

 

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